Wordperson

During the holidays, most of us will have more retail experiences than usual. And more than one of us is bound to run into that holiday-wrecking creature, the “rude cashier.”

As a student, I had the pleasure and privilege of spending more than my fair share of time on the business side of a cash register and can tell you that most rude cashiers actually started the day as fairly normal, happy people – people who would never deliberately ruin someone else’s holiday shopping experience.

But having to deal with a series of thoughtless, obnoxious customers who pick fights or take more time than necessary can wear anybody down. Worse still, they build up the anger of the other people in the lineup, who somehow feel it’s the cashier’s fault that they had to wait longer than they should have.

If we could all be better customers, we would go a long way to ensuring that we, and the person behind us in the lineup, have a good paying-up experience.

The following tips come from a part of life over 20 years ago, but I bet they still hold true today:

• Don’t play cutesy games with the money. Older men especially seem to think this is a form of flirting. They’ll put the money in the cashier’s hand, then pull it back or not let go, turning it into a little tug-of-war game; all the while smiling a very creepy grin. This is not a turn on. It’s not funny. There’s an effing lineup behind you. Just hand over the money. If you’re that hard up for amusement and have such a lousy sense of humour, watch Just for Laughs Gags. That’s right up your alley.

• Commit to the buy before you get in the lineup. The cash is not the place for you to start looking for flaws in the item, or hemming and hawing and asking the cashier if she thinks your hard-to-please mother-in-law will like this. I don’t know your mother in law. I don’t know if this will fit her or if she’ll like that colour. There’s an effing lineup behind you. She can always bring it back. Or get her a damn gift card. No, I don’t want the speech about how impersonal that seems. You’re asking a perfect stranger for advice on what to get her – how much more impersonal can this get?

• Don’t go off on the cashier if your credit card gets rejected. Yes, it’s embarrassing, but it happens. We all know for a fact that you did not just make a payment this morning that hasn’t gone through. Nobody cares if it’s your g-damned husband, son, daughter, nephew that ran the card up without your permission. No, that cashier does not have to phone Visa on your behalf to find out what’s up. There’s an effing lineup behind you and here’s what’s up: everybody’s patience. Ask if you can have the item put on hold and step back graciously.

• Exact change is only required on buses. Please do not stand there counting out your pennies, nickels, and dimes. Inevitably you will drop one on the floor and the whole effing lineup will roll its eyes to heaven and seethe while you go groping around for it. Then you’ll discover that you’re a quarter short anyway and pay with a bill. If you’re looking for a way to get rid of all that change, give it to charity or the person bumming for it just outside the store.

• Now is not the time to practice your keen negotiating skills. The cashier has no authority to give you a discount – the machine will not let her arbitrarily override the price point. If you really are buying so much that you believe you deserve one, or have found a flaw and think the item should be discounted, ask a floorperson to find you the manager and negotiate the discount on the side. That way every person in the effing lineup won’t get the bright idea that they deserve a discount, too.

I’ll finish on just one more point: would it kill you to make eye contact and acknowledge that you’re having a transaction with a human being? Maybe even smile?

Happy holidays. Enjoy your purchase.